Today, I learned a bit more about myself and have perhaps found a little key to change and to free myself. I know that I'm judgemental. It is part of who I am. I remember in my senior year at Fox Lane High School in Bedford, NY that we all took the Myers-Briggs test. My results were ridiculous looking, but probably quite true to self. Each bar barely left the center, except for two N and J. The N was for intuitive. The longest bar was the J: Judgemental. I wasn't surprised by any of this. I'm honest and think that I see things as they are, but really that's not the whole picture. I thought seeing things as they are and highlighting all flaws and noticing "perfections" was seeing things as they are. In fact, what I now know is that I don't have to judge everything.
What brought this to my attention was seeing my daughter be tentative about trying new things. After ballet class, she'd say "Mom, I didn't know how to dance like a dolphin. How does a dolphin dance? Do you know?". She's judging herself before she even gives herself a chance. She "over thinks". At home in just the right setting and with the right activity, she lets loose and is herself; her carefree self. Our best times together are when we both let loose, dancing in the kitchen, laughing about a moment that just tickled our funny bone.
The moments that I enjoy most myself are when I'm watching the kids' play alone or with one another. These are magic moments and I know now, they are moments without judgement. I'm not looking to improve, modify, assess, valuate anything. I see, I hear, I smile, on occasion cringe, and sometimes I swear I can feel my heart swell.
So now along with baby steps, I am going to try to have more moments without judgement.
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