Safe Havens

We all have our places where we can go either figuratively or literally to feel safe. For some of us it is a place that's easily accessible and we live our day primarily in a safe place whereas for others it's only a state of mind or a brief moment that is not easy to get to.

I am writing from a place of privilege. I'm a minority only by being a woman. I have shelter, a healthy family, a supportive and thriving extended family, and the means to provide well for them. However, I still feel like the world I present to my kids and my family isn't the right one. We're living in a time and a culture of frenzy. I often feel like I was born in the wrong era. I think the hard hands-on work of being a pioneer woman is more "me". Yes, I wouldn't have modern medicine, a car and all the "luxuries" of my life, but when I really look at those luxuries (except maybe modern medicine) I would happily trade them to be able to feel that I'm living my life and living life as a family without feeling that we've been tied to a horse and dragged through it.

I know I would also miss a lot of the freedoms that women have now and definitely modern plumbing. Truth be told, I actually like camping and going to the bathroom en plein air (unless my father is there to yell "Bull!" after having passed a fenced in bull minutes before). I think it would be the fact that everyone else also uses the same facilities, or lack thereof that would bother me.

Back to safe havens. I'm thinking about this because for so long I have thought that with both women and men working full time jobs in many families that we have not found a solution for the children of these families. We don't take into account that every family needs caretakers and it's not an "on the side" kind of job. Our grandparents and parents age and our children, in sickness and in health, need us as they grow. Not only are our families spread out across the nation and the globe, but our time is spent at work, thinking about work, getting to work, and unwinding from work. With the recent Safe Haven law in Nebraska catching everyone off guard, a spotlight has been placed on families who have abandoned children that they have raised for up to 17 years. On the news you hear how shocked and horrified people are that children (not infants) are being given up. But if you think about the cost of medical care in this country, the lack of support for families of children with special needs in many parts of the country, and the pressures of every day life, I don't think it would be too hard to imagine. Take your life and start stripping away some of the privileges you may have (health, a job, health insurance, a home, family/friends to support you, a car or public transportation, food for your family, self confidence, dignity)add a child or several children and perhaps one tragedy (loss, mental health problems, addiction, medical problem, ailing family members) and you can quickly see that a difficult life could become unbearable.

As I said before, I am writing from a place of privilege. My country and state allows me to be married. I have all I need, and more, for a good life, but still I don't think I provide a safe haven or the kind of safe haven I would like for my family to have. I don't like that my children see their parents over-tired and worn out more often than not. It's ironic because it's their lack of sleep at the moment that is pushing the envelope on that front. I think we have to slow down and adjust our priorities a little bit. It's hard when the rest of the city and the rest of the country, and more and more the rest of the world is moving at hurricane speed around you, but I think it's important for me and for us to find a way to spend at least a good portion of our time in the eye of the storm. My goal this "holiday season" is to start trudging towards that calm still place. I'm going to try to bring as many people with me as I can, but I won't be able to do it alone.

On the food front, I'd like to have more family meals. The children love holiday meals because we're all together and we sit together and enjoy our food together. We'll never have every dinner together, that's not realistic for us, but we could try to have as many weekend meals together as possible and perhaps one or two during the week.

On the home front, it's going to take longer and it might not be perfect, but including the kids in the gardening, cooking, and house projects is the best way to get things done right now.

We'll see how it goes.