Spinning, stretching, pushing, pulling but not working out

So this past week or perhaps two, I've felt like a lost ball thrown hastily into the back of the car or perhaps dropped there on day. We are driving along a dirt road. I'm an inanimate passenger in my own life just being thrown from one direction to the next, rebounding, getting stuck and rolling back.

My driver? A 3 year old child. That can't be good.

I have moments where I'm myself. The moments are like one spark of a sparkler. I see Isabelle taking care of Henry. Henry's laughing at Isabelle and she is trying so hard to recapture that moment over and over again as the sit in their car seats in the back of my car. I see Henry study Isabelle. Henry climbs the stairs ahead of me and puts his hand up and says "Wait!", just like his sister does not really knowing what he just said or did. Henry putting a dishtowel in the washing machine closing the door and reaching up to turn the knob. These moments are spectacular and brilliant and full of lightness, but I can't hold on to them. I don't think we're allowed to hold on to them.

The rest of the time is difficult. Henry wants to do and see and have what his big sister does. Isabelle wants the support that Henry gets because he can't do what she does. I want to figure it out so everyone can get what they want and what they need, but that doesn't work because really...I have no idea what we all need or what it is that we really even want. I've decided I think to much, but that really doesn't help much.

So for now what is working is for me to roll with the punches. I'll try to steer a little and enjoy the ride. We'll see where that brings us tomorrow, next week, and beyond.

Fall Season of Change

Fall might actually be here and for that I am grateful. I can't really handle 80-90 degree days in October.

I want to enjoy the warmer clothes, cozier nights, and Fall walks with the kids.

Small thoughts today. I'm just trying to distract myself from Henry's cries as he decides not to nap and my mind racing wondering if he's not actually tired and his nap is shifting, or if he's just fighting harder now.

I had to smile when I went up after a failed afternoon nap to see that Henry had thrown all his pillows and bedtime toys on the ground. My little rebel...fighting naps with a vengeance.

I'm trying to go with the flow let the winds of change sway me from side to side before they softly lay me down on the ground to be kicked up again. I'm not succeeding yet...but tomorrow is another day.

Grocery Stories

I have memories of where, when, how I shopped from the days my mom carted me around from store to store to now when I cart my kids around from store to store.

We belong to a CSA this year. I love it. I relish taking my kids to the farm and watching Henry pluck raspberries from the bushes and eat them. I enjoy trying new recipes and figuring out how to cook everything before it spoils while pleasing Dan's palate, the kids' palates and mine.

I love that the tops and tails of the green beans and the bok choy I never got around to cooking sit in a little black box in the yard decomposing into compost to feed our plants next year.

Lindentree Farms has made me even more aware of where my food comes from. I refuse to buy California "baby" carrots when I know there are carrots growing locally right now. It has brought me to the less fancy supermarkets that are locally owned. I notice that more food comes from closer by at Market Basket (aforementioned locally-owned market). I can even find organic baby carrots from NJ not CA.

I love the setting sun. Isabelle covered in dirt returning home too late with feet as black as the sky. Henry's laugh; a little nervous, mostly excited when he hovers around Pearl the dog. Me letting go of figuring out dinner for everyone, worrying about getting everyone's bath and bedtime on time, wondering when Henry, Isabelle, Dan, and I will finally settle down for the evening and let sleep take over. I grab some food from Formaggio, take the bag as is, we go harvest, play, picnic and get home when we get home children asleep or awake.